Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
