cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
