Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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