I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
