well you can't waste a boner
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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