apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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