Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
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