Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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