Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
