So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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