you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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