If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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