I wish I could punch you in the face.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
