i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
