This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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