If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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