If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
