You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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