One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
