I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
