a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
