I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
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