DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
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