I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Randomize
