Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Swine flu is the new snow day.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Randomize
