im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
