There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
