smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
