at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Randomize
