Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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