I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Randomize
