i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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