david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
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