i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Randomize
