so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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