My cat gives me a boner
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
