John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize