are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
