and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
