i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
