Your face is a jimmy john
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Randomize