giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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