I looked at my own cervix.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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