I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
be right there i have to get my cape
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
