matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
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