You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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