He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Randomize
