Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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