the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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