I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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