Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
did i walk over a car last night?
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
