Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
