ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
soo... how was my night?
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
