The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
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