I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
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