he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
