cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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