Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
