And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
