i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
