I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Randomize