So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
