youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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