Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Randomize
