Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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