Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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