New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
You have to summon your inner elephant
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
